This page is about the man, the myth, the legend, Malcolm Kettler. There are many stories as to how he became the success of a person he is, some people say he wrestled an ogre for three days before finally downing it, all over a game of tic-tac-toe. Others speak of him in the highest regard, and often climb to the pinnacle of mount amazing(they named the mountain after him) to seek his guidance, never has a person come down with an unanswered question or concern in their souls. Though these are the a few of the feats that he has been accounted for, there are still countless things being sung about in the wonderful acoustics of restrooms everywhere.

Malcolm's journey into life began in the darkness of night, born to Mr and Mrs Kettler, as he exited the womb, the nurses and the doctor(who just so happened to be Doogie Howser) couldnt believe it, Malcolm came out dressed in a full suit and top hat, and once he was out he pulled an indiana jones maneuver and reached back real quick to get his cane. Standing there in the delivery room a rock anthem started playing over the speakers in the entire hospital.

At a young age Malcolm's awesomeness began to show in things such as walking, talking, and learning. By age four he was asked to be one of the presidential assistants, He turned them down because he thought that it was too passe. He was asked by several other important organizations to help the world fix it problems, of which he undertook two problems, global warming(he disproved the whole thing by explaining that his existence on earth was in fact creating the change in temperature, and that he would just try to be more cool in the future), and how to properly market bacon(he smacked everyone with a slab of bacon and told them the answer is simply tell people it's delicious).

Malcolms school years were much the same, in kindergarten they tried to teach him how to skip, he laughed and taught them how to melbourne shuffle. Two weeks into kindergarten they put him in high school, and three days after that gave him his diploma.

At one point in his brief school career Malcolm tried out for several different sports, each time it ended up with the coach asking him not to play. In soccer he was able to make a goal from 2 soccer fields away. Football he could not be tackled. Basketball it seemed as though the ball just would float into the basket every time. There was rumor that he used some sort of mental power for everything, some claimed super powers, but no one believed that anyone could naturally achieve these feats, but Malcolm did.

While his current whereabouts are known, there are several pictures of him with sasquatch, there even surfaced one of him riding the loch ness monster. There are also stories of him protecting the flocks of sheep from the chupacabra. While no one will step forward and claim his current location, if you are ever in need of him, he will appear.