Carney attends Bede College in Billingham. He is probably most known at college for his unusual toilet stance, following the "I poo standing up" scandal at the beginning of the college year, which he has never really recovered from. He is also known for his hatred of anything funny or related to banter. It is important to note that if anyone else likes something, Rob will hate it for no explicable reason.

Carney's music taste is wide and varied, basically he will listen to anything that is currently being played on the radio. While he enjoys such classics as Moldovan europop sensation O-Zone's Dragostea Din Tei, low points in the sparse Carney iTunes library include 'Seaside' by the Kooks, and Rihanna's 'Take A Bow'

The Carney residence is a lovely semi-detached pad in suburban Billingham. However, it is marred by several bizarre house rules which Rob imposes with an iron fist. Firstly, "stampling" is not permitted under any circumstances, under pain of death by wolf (see below). Secondly, for reasons unknown, no bags are allowed upstairs. If asked for justification of any of these rules, Carney will reply with a simple "cos". It is also worth noting that there is a one coke limit.

Northfield Road is a place where beast is king, and man is a second class citizen. There is no better example of this than at number 26, where a savage wolf, which goes only by the name of "Zara", often prowls. Casual onlookers would classify her as a dog, but unlike other family pooches, it does not take any notice of human commands, and most shockingly, is prone to brutal outbursts of violence. Anthony Wright is the only survivor of one of these wolf attacks, although it is impossible to say how many have been savaged and didn't live to tell the tale. Rumour has it that Carney himself honed the brute's killer instincts with a diet of doner meat. It would be best to let Anthony explain this horrific episode in his own words. Squeamish readers should look away now, this is not pretty:

Carney has enjoyed an illustrious career, although he will always be most recognised for his famous brace for Synners. Two goals in one game, you heard me correctly, this man is a footballing Lord. Carney has stayed loyal to Synthonia for many a year, appearing in numerous matches. He is known for his powerful and agressive style. Nowadays, Carney is not content just showing off his silky skills on the Sunday League stage, so he has taken to organising extra games on a weeknight. This has been quite a successful venture, although Robert has a problem with using the phone to book the venue, and will never use his own name. Lately Rob's organisational skills have been called into question, with one disgruntled player describing it as "under par". Seemingly unable to count to 7, Rob drafted in 8 players for a 7-a-side game.

Not only a talented footballer, Carney can also tell a good joke. After starting off with the basics, like "A man walks into a bar...(pause)...Ouch!", Rob progressed to thigh-slappers. This following joke is a prime example of Carney's comedic genius: "Ere, a man walks into a bar with a giraffe, right, and he says, "A beer for me, and one for my giraffe." They stand around drinking for hours until finally the giraffe passes out on the floor and the guy pays the bill and gets up to leave. The barman says, "Ey! You' can't leave that lyin' on the floor!" "That's not a lion. It's a giraffe." It is generally agreed that Carney's best moment came on the only occasion he managed to complete that joke without breaking into laughter.

Carney is a staunch supporter of the PS3, being one of the few people who shelled out full whack for the big black beast on launch day. On rare occasions, when not passing his time on Myspace or MSN, Carney can be found enjoying a spot of Call of Duty 4. It is also worth mentioning Rob's gambling career at this point. After a mildly successful foray into the world of poker, excluding of course the time when he lost all of his chips on the second hand, to a mysterious poker master, and went home, he moved onto high stakes betting. In a daring move, Carney placed his first two bets at the same time, staking a mammoth £2 on Alan Shearer to become England manager, and a similarly large figure that Croatia would win Euro 2008. Unsurprisingly, these were also his last bets. Such was his shame at having backed Croatia, he claimed to have lost the betting slip.

It is a well known fact that Carney has not been fully sober since New Year's Eve 2006, when he discovered alcohol under the watchful eyes of Joe Walls and Alexander Blenkinsopp. It is a very rare occasion, when a bottle of Woodpecker or similar drink is not sitting on Carney's desk, normally half-empty. These days, Carney only really hits the bottle when with enigmatic drinking buddy, Hugh "Geggs" Geogeoeoegehan. Rob is usually unable to hold a sensible conversation on anything by the end of a session, and sometimes unable to stand up. It is saddening to report that at these dark times Carney has turned to violence (see below).

• Physio
• Policeman
• Lawyer
• Google Employee
• Call Centre Worker
• College Bum

• "Ere..." - used proceeding most sentences
• "I can't believe you" - accompanied by the infamous finger point, of which Carney is an innovator
• "I hate you"
• "I don't know what you're talking about"
• "Cos" - an explanation for anything
  • Example of usage: "Bede College is shit", "why?", "cos"
• "Are you walking home?" and "Are you free next?"
• :p and ;)
• "Sack it"
• "Ayeee"
• "I'm all over you", "I'm killing/hammering you here", "Fifa is shit", "I'm getting Pro Evo next year" - phrases to be used when losing at Fifa
• Last but not least..."are weeee?"